


for your eyes only (i'll show you my heart)

by sunfreckled



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotions, Established Relationship, Fluff, Kissing, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, lots of them (again), might i say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 15:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19871866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunfreckled/pseuds/sunfreckled
Summary: He's afraid of the way the word makes him feel, the conflict it causes in his mind more or less on a daily basis. One part of him hates the word, the other... The other wants to love it. Cherish it.Despite all his past experiences, the word gay feels like coming home.Dan comes out to Phil.





	for your eyes only (i'll show you my heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boat_in_a_bottle](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boat_in_a_bottle/gifts).



> Look, I was feeling soft and then this happened. 
> 
> This fic is dedicated to my best friend in the entire world, Dom. Thank you for being so amazing and supportive all the time. Love you x
> 
> (Title is from "If I Could Fly" by One Direction.)

Gay.

It’s a word that has been a constant in Dan’s life for years now, in good and bad. It’s something he’s scared of, yet something that intrigues him. Pulls him closer and pushes him back. Never lets go. 

He's been called gay many times in his life, most times with a malicious intent. He's afraid of the word, but not only because of those painful memories it conjures up.

He's afraid of the way the word makes him feel, the conflict it causes in his mind more or less on a daily basis. One part of him hates the word, the other... The other wants to love it. Cherish it.

Despite all his past experiences, the word gay feels like coming home. 

They're laying in the bed, having a lazy afternoon, and Dan's mind is racing. He's partially lying on top of Phil, his head resting against his chest so that he can hear and feel his calm, relaxed heartbeat. Phil is playing with his hair, making small spikes of electricity run through his body every now and then. It feels nice to be so close to Phil, nice to feel his hands in his hair, gentle as ever. And yet, he cannot seem to get his mind to rest.

"Phil?"

"Dan." Dan feels Phil slowly shift on the bed a little, possibly moving so that he can look down at Dan better. Dan doesn't look up at him, can't bring himself to do it.

"How did you figure out you were gay?" Phil moves underneath him again, and Dan can imagine how he's furrowing his brow and looking at him, wondering what brought the question up this time. It's not the first time he has asked that question. And it probably will not be the last.

Dan's half expecting Phil to laugh and remind him that he's told the story a dozen times before, which would be a fair reaction, he supposes. Instead, Phil wraps his arms around him and brings him closer.

He tells the exact story he has told Dan plenty of times, almost to the point in which he can recite every word. Of course, because it's Phil, he throws in some new, quirky remarks to make Dan snort and changes his wording a little to make it sound like he isn't telling it for the hundredth time. Phil's voice is deep, gentle and fond, as he lulls Dan with his storytelling, managing to make him crack a small smile.

After he finishes, Dan bites his lip and lets another question tumble out of his mouth, "Yeah, but how did you _know_ you didn't like girls at all?"

This time Phil honks out a laughter, and Dan feels him throw his head back as he giggles at the question. Dan feels his face warm up as a blush creeps up to his cheeks and he buries his face against Phil's chest, hearing him coo at him having finished laughing.

"Apart from the fact that I didn't want to kiss girls the same way I wanted to kiss boys? I just... had a feeling. It was never certain, it might never _be_ certain, but back then it just felt right. The word gay, I mean. It still feels right, more so than ever."

Dan stays quiet, hanging onto Phil's every word, gripping on them like they are his only lifeline. He has always been a tad bit envious of Phil and the way he way he says the word 'gay'. It's so effortless, carefree. Like it's just another word among the rest.

It's not like Phil hasn't struggled with the word; he still does. Dan knows he does. 

As Dan lies there in the comfortable silence of their bedroom, he has a moment of clarity. Not the type like in fairy tales where everything is suddenly okay and he lives happily ever after, but one that might still change his life. 

"I think I might be gay."

Dan's surprised as the words leave his mouth, as they slip from his tongue almost too easily. He feels Phil's heart rate pick up, and his does the same. He finally raises his gaze towards Phil, who is looking down at him, his eyes full of curiosity. 

Phil nods, opens his mouth to speak before he stops himself, and Dan patiently waits for him, nerves running wild inside of him. "You do know there's no need to put a word on it, yeah?" Phil speaks up, his voice reassuring, as his fingers travel to Dan's jaw to hold it up just a little. Always gentle, he is.

Dan nods, looking into Phil's eyes as he searches for the right words. They seem to be escaping him, but Phil doesn't seem to mind waiting. "I know. But I've thought about it a lot, lately," he mumbles, his voice almost nothing but a whisper. He stops to think for a moment, grateful that Phil lets him have his time. "I think I am gay."

He closes his eyes for a moment, willing the tears that were forming in his eyes away. He doesn't want to cry. He has nothing to cry about.

"It's okay, Dan. It's okay to be gay."

Dan lets out a small laugh, unable to stop himself. He opens his eyes and looks back up at Phil, who has the biggest smile on his face as their eyes lock for a second. Slowly, Dan leans his head against Phil's chest again and he lets him, as they fall into silence once more. 

He cannot believe how easy it was, to say the words out loud. The feeling of relief he felt as he uttered the words, the ones he had feared for so long. He spoke them into the existence, and now it feels real. It is real.

Dan feels something wet slide down his cheeks and it doesn't take long until he realises he's crying. Phil's shirt under his face is damp, as the tears fall from his cheeks down to the fabric. He knows Phil has noticed, yet he hasn't said anything. He's stroking Dan's hair again, all while rubbing soothing circles against his bicep. It feels safe. It feels like home.

Dan lets himself cry against Phil's chest, small sobs of relief filling the otherwise quiet room. Phil lets him.

They lie in silence for what feels like hours, and the tears on Dan's cheeks dry eventually. He listens to Phil breathing, his deep inhales and exhales being the only noise in the room beside his own breathing. Silence never feels bad with Phil. 

Phil is the first to break the silence. He inhales once more, and speaks as he exhales, "Thank you for trusting me."

Dan's surprised, and he props himself up to one elbow to look at his boyfriend, his heart skipping a beat as he sees the look on his face. It's so disgustingly sweet, and Dan doesn't know if his fragile heart can handle the feelings it evokes in him. 

"Always, Phil," he whispers the promise into the air, the smile on Phil's face deepening. He watches Phil slowly tilt his head and lean in, brushing his lips against Dan's before finally kissing him. Dan kisses him back, letting himself get lost in the feeling.

Eventually Phil pulls away, making Dan whine from the loss. He doesn't go far, though, but rests his forehead against Dan's. The reality of it all seems to hit them at the same time, as they both chuckle quietly. It's a chuckle of relief as much as it is a chuckle of hopefulness.

Perhaps the future is bright, for the both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! You can find me on Tumblr at @enbydnp. The fic post is [here](https://enbydnp.tumblr.com/post/186404577410/for-your-eyes-only-ill-show-you-my-heart), likes and reblogs are obviously not required but very much appreciated.


End file.
